“ We want to make sure we are truly compatible.” “We are together so often that it would save us money and time to just live in the same house.” “We really want to get to know each other more.” “It’s the next step in the relationship.” “We don’t want to commit to someone for life and find out they snore too much, or are too sloppy or heaven forbid - don’t know how to clean a bathroom!” These are just a few of the reasons I have heard people give when they decide to live together before marriage.
Moving in together used to be the physical sign in one’s life that “we are married.” In fact, in Spanish, the word for “to marry” is casar which comes directly from the word casa, meaning “house.” And our word “husband” comes from the Old English hus which means ‘house’ and bonda which means “occupier”. You have heard of the tradition of carrying your bride over the threshold into your new home, but into a house which the two of you already live in together just seems ridiculous! As I listed above, there are many reasons that couples give for deciding to move in together, but the majority of these reasons seem to fall into one of two categories: 1. To test out marital life, before actually committing to marriage, or 2. A matter of convenience.
The truth is, nobody wants to end up divorced. It is not a pleasant thought, to marry someone with hopes of growing old together and instead ending up divorced for a reason many feel “could have been spotted long ago if we had lived together beforehand.” These fears are valid, but the solution is commitment, not cautiousness. Conventional wisdom says it is acceptable to have a "trial period" to "try the shoe on first to see if it fits" or to "test drive a car before you buy it." For marriage, however, just the opposite is true! A newly married couple makes a deliberate effort to accommodate each other because they know their relationship will be for life. They want to build compatibility, not test it.1
Let’s face it, our habits change often. Even every New Year’s we come up with a new way of living: eat healthier, exercise, pray daily, set aside time to read, insert yours here___. When I got married, I didn’t empty dishwashers, make dinner, or vacuum. I was a guy and lived with other guys; a typical statement in my loft was “Hey look, a potato chip in the couch from three weeks ago, CHOMP, still good!” And have you ever seen a single woman’s room? The pillows everywhere, the bathroom accessories that make Bath and Bodyworks look small… and her closet has its own room! When you finally move in together, your bachelor pad will vanish and so will her foofy girl décor (well, some of it)! My point is not to terrify every unmarried man out there, my point is that when you find an incompatible area, it is important to work through it, not throw up the flag and say “’not perfect’, ‘get out’, ‘not going to work’, ‘I am not taking down my Van Halen poster!’
Now that I’m married, I am a completely different man. I put my daughter to bed daily, I empty the dishwasher, vacuum, fold laundry and I am sure to be home at 5pm for our family dinner. These are habits that evolved after I got married and continue to change as I see needed. Throughout our lives, we change in many ways: fat to thin, thin to fat, young to old, injuries, sickness and health; we are always changing and it is the commitment of the spouse to stay on board and assist in keeping you on track that makes a truly devoted marriage. When we choose to live with someone before we have committed to them in marriage, we are robbing ourselves and our significant other of authentic love, honesty, and intimacy. Often what ends up happening in these situations is that the couple just falls into a marriage of convenience rather than choosing a marriage of commitment. You see, commitment is a choice. It’s not something that we eventually stumble upon by accident after we’ve been with somebody long enough. Rather, it is a conscious way of living in which we make choices – every day – about what we can do to show our love for our spouse, to will their good over our own.
As Christians, we have a responsibility to listen and respond to God’s voice, to find our vocation. And if marriage is what He is calling us to, it is our duty to prayerfully seek out a holy spouse. We don’t just date for recreational purposes. We don’t date because we’re bored. We don’t date because we’re scared of being alone. In other words, we don’t date meaninglessly. There is a goal to Christian dating, and that is finding our spouse. Choosing a spouse that strives to get you to Heaven, sacrifices for you, and works to be a better person are some of the most important traits that we should be looking for in a spouse, not “Do they hog the sheets? Can they clean? How is their cooking?” Preparing for Christian Marriage is not like the TV show “The Bachelor” or “Bachelorette”. You don’t string people along and use them for all they are worth and then say, nope, not ‘good enough.’ When you invite someone to live with you; that is it! There is no more intimate thing you can do; this is one of the biggest parts of marriage!
The elephant in the room, yes, is having sexual intimacy, which is a big part of marriage as well, but marriage is so much more than this. When you get older or for other reasons, sexual intimacy may become less or end; does that mean the marriage is over? That you no longer love each other? Obviously not, you two live together, this is your home. When you get married, you are choosing who you will share your entire life with, who you will make your home with! Yet we cannot reduce sex down to another fun, recreational activity either. It is sacred, beautiful, and God-given. It is using our bodies to have the most intimate and honest conversation we will ever have with another human being; we are saying “I give you my whole self” as we receive the whole self of our spouse. Engaging in this act outside of marriage is a perversion of this priceless gift, and it is also a lie. Our bodies are saying “I give you my whole self” but before we have made our marriage vows, this is a lie, because we are often holding back parts of our hearts, our minds, and often our fertility as well. How would you feel if your boyfriend that you’ve been living with walked through the door and said “Hey sweetie, just wanted to let you know that I kind of love you. I love parts of you and I only want to share parts of myself with you, but there’s a lot that I’m holding back. Sorry, but remember – I love you. Kind of.” Well, surprise! If you’re not married, that is EXACTLY what he’s saying to you every time the two of you are sexually intimate!
My friends, marriage is a beautiful vocation. And even the behaviors of modern society, which seem to undermine it, are actually crying out in desperation for it. Couples live together and sleep together because our hearts are hard-wired for marital intimacy. We seek it and desire it. But oftentimes, we are too lazy to accept the entire package of marriage. We only want the parts that are convenient and fun. But at the end of the day, we’re not happy with this arrangement. We want true and faithful commitment. If you’ve ever attended a Sacramental wedding ceremony, you’ve heard the vows. The couple gives themselves to one another Freely, Fully, Faithfully, and Fruitfully, vowing to be there for each other not only in good times, but bad as well. Taking those vows gives the couple the freedom and motivation to live out their days doing whatever it takes to love one another in a way that sanctifies and satisfies. St Francis de Sales said “the greatest form of mortification on earth is marriage, where there is need for an almost constant dying to self out of love for your beloved.”
Brothers and sisters, Christ describes marriage in Ephesians 5 as “loving your bride like Christ loves the Church” He died for us. The only marriage that is going to work is the one that is continually sacrificing, wanting the best for the other person, keeping in mind that the ultimate eventual good is Heaven. I can promise you, the amount of damage you are simultaneously causing the relationship from premarital cohabitation vastly outweighs whatever small benefits you may think you are gaining, such as auditioning your significant other for marriage or saving money. In the U.S., married couples who cohabitated beforehand are twice as likely to get divorced!2 If you really want to prepare for marriage, then I would advise you learn how to forgive, serve, and sacrifice for others. These are the key ingredients to a fruitful and successful marriage. Not living together long enough to decide if you can tolerate someone’s snoring or not.
1 Harley, 1996
2 Horn, 1998
Written by Rocky and CA Rhoades (Goretti Group Chastity Speaker) in Norfolk, VA USA
No comments:
Post a Comment